“My first love was what you’d expect: Chaotic, immature but also full of so much happiness. We broke up when we both wanted more independence in college, but I still think of him from time to time. I think he’s dating someone else, and we hardly have stayed in touch, so I don’t understand why I can’t fully move on. Am I just missing the past, or do I truly love him somewhere deep down?” —Jess, 27, PA Sparks: Dear Jess, First love is a profound and enduring experience. This is a person who you made your first romantic memories with, so it certainly makes sense that they would be a touchstone for you to revisit. It is completely valid to look back on joyful times spent with someone you loved and feel nostalgic, and it is also possible to still hold love for someone without being in love with them. That being said, the two of you had a strong connection once, which is no small thing. In deciding how to move forward, it is important to weigh your desires and expectations. Given that you have hardly stayed in touch, it is possible that the person he is now is very different from who you once knew, as you may be as well, having grown and changed from the time you were together. Are you hoping to go back to what you knew, or is the idea of starting a new chapter with this person exciting to you? Also ask yourself: how compatible were you in the past? Are you looking at the past with rose-colored glasses or do your feelings outweigh any potential negatives there were and are you willing to work to overcome them? You also mention he may be in a relationship, so if you were to reconnect, it may have to be with the understanding that it can’t be romantic, at least for the time being. Have you tried dating other people and always find yourself coming back to the thought of him, or could it be of value to explore other relationships? The answers to these questions may bring you clarity on whether you genuinely want to be with this person or if you are just appreciating the time you had together and can let the actual feelings remain in the past. Regardless of the outcome, you can be thankful for the time that you had and allow yourself to look back on the memories without feeling shame or anxiety in cherishing them. Catch up on all our Novel Advice columns here. Sparks’ new book, The Wish, is out now.
