If you’ve screwed up big time—whether it was missing your sister’s wedding, betraying your BFF’s trust, or getting caught in something compromising with someone other than your spouse—sometimes the hardest part is figuring out how to forgive yourself afterward. Whoever else you may have wronged will likely move past your error long before you let yourself off of the hook for it, but self-flagellation will not make you feel better. “We all make mistakes. But even after we’ve learned from our missteps, forgiving ourselves can be challenging and confusing, and feel impossible,” Dr. Monica Vermani, psychologist and author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas, told Parade. “It is important for us to forgive ourselves in order to move forward with confidence, compassion and courage. Forgiving leaves our mistakes and missteps where they belong—in the past—and allows us to move forward.” Much like recovery, self-forgiveness isn’t necessarily linear, psychologist and educator Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe advises, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important or worth it to try. “The more we commit to self-forgiveness, the lighter the load will be to carry—and just because you carry it well, that doesn’t mean it’s not heavy,” she said. “It is keeping you from carrying things that truly matter. Once you set this guilt down, you will be free to carry things that matter more for the future. The past is in the past. It is unmovable and unchangeable. What you do next speaks louder of your character than what you did yesterday. Forgiving yourself could very well be the kindest gesture you ever do for this world.” Fair enough. If you’re ready to finally give yourself a break, these 13 ways to forgive yourself will remind you that you’re human—and that to err is human, and to forgive, divine.
How to forgive yourself
1. Completely and fully admit to your mistake
You may have confessed your error to others—but you may have only done so in part. When it comes to yourself, it’s important to come completely clean. “Be honest with yourself. Your mistake may not be among your proudest moments, but when you admit to making a mistake, you can learn and grow from it,” Dr. Vermani says. “Think of the mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow. Admitting you’ve made a mistake will help you evolve into a better version of yourself.”
2. Apologize to whoever else you may have hurt
If your mistake didn’t just hurt yourself but hurt someone else, you have to take accountability for that if you ever plan on letting yourself off the hook completely. “If you have hurt someone, once you have processed and can admit your guilt, offer the person you may have harmed a genuine apology,” Dr. Vermani advises. “Listen and be open to however that person responds. Do not pressure or demand that they forgive you.”
3. Be explicit about the mistake and its consequences
Once you’ve admitted to your behavior, examine what happened as a result of it, Dr. Hanley-Dafoe advises. “This is a challenge since there are such conflicting definitions of wrongdoings, yet knowing how this behavior and the consequences relate is critical. Say you lied to your friend, and this hurt their feelings. The lying is the behavior, and the consequence is breaking trust,” she explains. “If you are interested in relationship repair with that friend, you need to be explicit about what you did and hold space for the consequences. Once you have taken action, then we release it.”
4. Give yourself time to process your mistake
Now that you’ve fessed up to yourself, it’s time to “do the work” to process what happened, what you did, what you learned and what your intentions were. Give yourself as much time as you need to do this, because it may not occur overnight—and that’s OK! One part of the process, Dr. Vermani says, is asking yourself the hard questions: What was my intention? How did my actions feel OK in the moment? What was I thinking? What could I have done differently? Part of why you may be feeling so terrible about something you’ve done is because it doesn’t align with the person you want to be. “We feel guilt because we have done something outside of our values. If you value your health and wellness and you have missed physical activities and eating nutritious food all week, you may feel guilty,” Dr. Haney-Dafoe explains. “Call it what it is: ‘I am a healthy person, and my behavior is out of alignment.’ Or perhaps you have not been a ‘present’ parent. You have been working late and use screens to keep your child occupied. This was fine at first, but now it has been two years! ‘I am feeling guilt because this way of parenting is out of alignment with the kind of parent I am.’” Once you nail down what your core values are and how your actions betrayed them, you’re on your way to shaping better behaviors in the future.
5. Sit with your guilt
This part is uncomfortable, but it’s necessary. “Every emotion has a purpose,” Dr. Vermani says. “Guilt lets us know that our actions or behaviors are not aligned with our values and beliefs. It compels us to repair the damage of our actions. Allow your guilt to teach you and lead to better, more positive choices in the future.”
6. Ditch the ego
Having a big ego is only good when Beyoncésings about it. Dr. Haney-Dafoe recommends asking yourself if the reason you’ve had a hard time forgiving yourself for your mistake is because your own ego is protecting you from processing your guilt fully. “When we have dropped the ball, hurt someone we love, or disappointed someone, the discomfort is brutal. Ask yourself if this is an ego issue,” Dr. Haney-Dafoe says. “Our ego is a fickle friend. When things are good, our ego seems like a constant companion, yet when we make mistakes, it is the first to point out our faults. The remedy to tame the ego is to recognize it and hold that feeling. Keep a strong focus on the ego and its judgment. You are stronger than your ego. Hold your ground. As I shared in my book, Calm Within The Storm: A Pathway to Everyday Resiliency, ‘My ego hasn’t served me all that well in life, anyway. It was always my bruised, battered, and weary heart and mind that showed up every time I needed to keep going, despite all the hurt, pain, and fear.’”
7. Be gentle on yourself
Sometimes we do bad things by accident, and it’s best not to beat yourself up over it if you know your intentions were good. “‘Past you’ didn’t have the data ‘present you’ has. It can be easy to see lottery numbers and think, ‘I could have chosen those!’ once you’ve seen what they are,“Joelle Prevost, registered clinical counselor and author of The Conversation Guide: How to Skillfully Communicate, Set Boundaries, and Be Understood, explains. “It’s the same in life. It’s easy to know what option you could have chosen or what you could have said or done to have a more desired outcome once you know the outcome. Remember you did your best at the time with what you knew.”
8. Know the difference between guilt and shame—and ditch the shame
Recognizing the difference between guilt and shame is crucial to being able to move forward with your life. “Guilt serves a purpose,” Prevost says. “It leads you to understand exactly what you did wrong, why you made the mistake, and how you can repair the situation. Shame is less helpful. With shame, you can feel like you’re underneath a pile-on, with no way to climb out. Feeling shame does not help you heal.”
9. Don’t spiral into self-criticism
Akin to self-shaming, self-criticism can be harsher than any criticism you’d face from anyone else. Talk to yourself the way you would your best friend: Would you tell her she’s terrible, horrible, no-good and very bad? Of course not, because you know your BFF is not irredeemable. Ceasing self-criticism, Dr. Vermani says, is absolutely key to being able to give yourself a break and move past your mistake—no matter how bad it was.
10. Know that mistakes are actions, not characteristics
Dr. Haney-Dafoe points out that when we eff up, we can internalize and personalize an error, using negative self-talk to convince ourselves that what we did is who we are. That isn’t true. “When we are in the darkness of guilt, there is a tendency to think we are the mistake. My invitation here is to reframe this narrative,” she says. “You are a person who made a mistake, you are not the mistake. We interweave our morality into our behaviors, yet this is not helpful. All behavior serves a purpose. Some behaviors are adaptive, and others are maladaptive. The truth is that most people are doing the absolute best they can with the tools and resources they have at the time.”
11. Ditch the black and white thinking
Black and white thinking can be harmful to your psyche and keep you stuck in a shame spiral. Prevost explains, “It is rarely the case that there is a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ choice. Often, there are just options, with various pros and cons to each.” Sometimes we don’t weigh those pros and cons properly, and that’s OK! “Sometimes when we slip up (as we all do), it can be easy to write ourselves off as horrible people,” Prevost says. “However, this all-or-nothing thinking is not true! It can be uncomfortable, or even difficult, for us to hold two seemingly opposing ideas at the same time, but that is often the case. You can be a ‘good person’ who occasionally does ‘bad things’ by accident!”
12. Make a self-forgiveness action plan
Dr. Haney-Dafoe recommends the following four-step action plan to move past your mistakes:
See it: Notice what you are feeling. “I notice I feel guilty about this.“Name it: Call it what it is. “This is guilt.“Place it: Where is it coming from? “I am feeling guilty because I behaved outside of my values. This is not who I am. This is not me at my best.“Release it: Take action. “I forgive myself for making this choice. I will call my friend today and express an apology. I will sit with the discomfort. I will learn from this.”
13. Make like Elsa and let it go—and ask for help if you need it
Once you have processed your mistake, let it go. “Learn and grow, and do better next time,” Dr. Vermani says. “Correct and continue. If feelings of guilt persist, consider seeking the help of a therapist.” Next, find out the seven key things to do when you apologize, because there is more to it than saying “I’m sorry.”
Sources
Dr. Robyne Hanley-Dafoe, psychologist, educator and author of Calm Within The Storm: A Pathway to Everyday ResiliencyJoelle Prevost, registered clinical counselor and author of The Conversation Guide: How to Skillfully Communicate, Set Boundaries, and Be UnderstoodDr. Monica Vermani, C. Psych and author of A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas
